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A view into the dimensions of depression

Part One, Drifting away 


 


Breath in, inhale


How did I become like this?


Why do I feel a sudden pain in my chest? 


Why is everything so dark. 


Why am I living this life?


Breath out. Exhale 


The light, do you see it? 


Everyone says its right there, 


But why can’t I feel it, why can’t I touch it


Why can’t I feel anything? 


Is something wrong with me?


---------------DRIFTING AWAY-------------------------


      Standing in the dark and watching the world cross by me. Slowly and gradually everyone seems to leave, everyone walks away. Standing by the bridge and I can see the life I’ve lived. The hollow dark pit is the light that can be viewed but does not exist. I stand still and I wait for someone to understand me, I roam around and have pointless conversations with the old me. I can’t recognise the person I am anymore. I feel like I’ve lost parts of me and all the memories I had; they keep coming to haunt me. Why am I not the same person I was a year ago, what happened to me, and who am I?


 


Part 2, Haunted 


 I can’t sleep, 


I close my eyes 


and all I can see are visions


blurry, clear, memories. 


I can’t sleep 


These thoughts, keep circling me. 


Round and round It goes, it never stops. 


I can’t sleep 


The clock strikes four


I hear the birds chirping,


Everyone’s waking up now 


Yet the sandman won’t visit me. 


I can’t sleep 


I look through the window, I see daylight. 


Yet my rooms are still dark,


I feel like demon’s lurking around me, 


Waiting for me to accept the darkness inside me, 


Trying to take away what I love most. 


I can’t sleep.


 


————————HAUNTED——————


 


      A whirlwind of thoughts storms through my mind, every night taking away every ounce of sleep I can get and then it begins. 


One by one, each memory starts to call upon me. I remember all the people who entered and left, I remember the bad I did, I remember everything and that’s when it suddenly starts to form, like a ghost that tries to creep on me and suffocate me every minute of every day as though its claws slowly grasp my neck and strangle me until I’m left breathless. 


      Living with anxiety, panic and paranoia is not easy. I wish someone would understand the feelings I feel every night, it’s like I’m drowning but no one can help me. I feel as though I’m walking and becoming smaller and smaller until I disappear. Slowly and gradually, the person I was, is not there anymore. Time after time, I’m alive yet dead. I never thought that was possible, how does it make sense. 


 


Part three Alone 


 As my eyes shut 


My body starts to feel numb. 


My heartbeat escalates and my breathing slows down. 


I can’t breathe, I yell. 


Yet no one can hear me. 


Help, I scream. 


But I’m all alone. 


——-Alone————


      How can you describe a word with a meaning so deep, that it can be compared to a black hole? 


How can one describe the way a soul feels when the ones who claim to love you, cannot understand you? 


How can anyone describe that? 


 


      We live in a world today where everyone holds a mask that covers themselves, in such a way that no matter whoever it is, they can never uncover the reality behind that face. The emotions, the intentions it’s all a blur. Trust becomes an illusion, and everything left is brittle or broken, forever to be a scar that will never heal.


The feeling of loneliness is deadly, it’s a dangerous drug. Once the feeling hits you, it keeps coming back. It haunts you; it eats you up every single day. While the people around you watch the way you smile and laugh, alas no one knows the reality behind that one smile.


Late nights when everything feels blurry and no matter how tired you are, anxiety keeps you up, that’s the moment you realize that life is pretending, and emotions are real. However, the harshest thing about this world is that no one shows their true self, no one allows themselves to show their true feelings. Instead, they decide to slowly kill the soul within and walk-in lifeless bodies. 


 


Part Four, death a lingering vision


I see a rope, dangling from my roof. 


I see a rope, a hole in it too. 


I see a rope, a reflection in the mirror. 


I see a rope, the one you’d you use to hinder. 


I see a rope and it calls for me


It says come here and take a chair


Will, you please, 


Take your head through the hole and count to three.


Take a breath, and watch as your feet sway with the oxygen you have left 


And now close your eyes, 


you can finally sleep.


Forever and ever and all your worries are left to weep 


 


-------------------Death a lingering Vision------------------------


 


     Breathing and feeling, are something I’m not good at anymore. I feel like my entire body stops working at a point where my mind just circulating thoughts. It’s like I can’t make it stop. 


     Every day I wake up, I don’t want to anymore. Every time I look in the mirror, I see a rope. A rope that’s just hanging from the ceiling and keeps dangling and antagonizing me, calling me and telling me to just do it. It tells me to get rid of myself. No one needs me.


 I go to school, I come back, and it starts again. My friends, my family, they don’t know what’s going on, no one does. Everyone tries to make me happy, but nothing seems to work, I can’t eat anymore, and I don’t feel hungry. All I want to do is just lay in bed and try my best to keep away from anything that might lead me to harm myself. Every day is a challenge. Every Single Day.


 


Part 5 destruction 


A slit on my wrist 


the blood starts to drip


A slit on my wrist 


 The pain starts to come in


A slit on my wrist 


My eyes begin to shut


A slit on my wrist 


My world becomes numb. 


 


————— Distraction——————-


     I can’t stop it, I look at my hands and see scars, blood, and relief. The pain I feel is inside me, I can’t explain it and no medicine in the world make it go away. They say it’s in your mind. Then why does my heartache, every single night? I can’t sleep, I can’t eat. I just want it to go away. 


I take the knife and press it against my skin. I can feel the physical pain, but somehow all my negative thoughts disappear. I feel calm, it’s like relief, not even these anti-depressants were helping me. I can’t help myself; I see a sharp object and I do it again. I hope no one finds out, I found a way to keep myself alive, by cutting myself, every night. 


 


Part 6 Love


I’ll love you once


I’ll love you twice 


I’ll love you for the rest of my life. 


—————- Love —————-


     ‘If you love someone, you’ll love them forever.’ 


     Love is not only a romantic emotion, but it is the feeling of affection in the rawest way possible.


You love your parents, your grandparents, your friends, your siblings and You love your partner / significant other. 


In your whole life, you will always love someone and the pain of losing them will always be equal. No matter, whether it be a breakup, a death, unrequited love or separation. It will always feel the same.


     When someone you love is taken away from you physically or emotionally. It leaves a scar, it turns into depression and if it’s not taken care of, it further increases to other mental problems. 


Imagine someone you love, leaves. How does that make you feel? 


Doesn’t it feel like a stab in the heart, it feels like a nightmare you need to wake up from, doesn’t it? 


Falling in love might be the best feeling in the world, but when you lose someone you love, it hurts a hundred times more than a broken rib cage and loving someone who is not attainable is a feeling of loss, on its own. 


It’s hard to imagine, something so beautiful that can become so deadly to the person who’s feeling it. 


It’s like a cage, with the guard being the person you love, and the key based on your luck. Whether they accept it, whether they stay, whether they live while you’re alive, or whether they walk away. Love on its own, can be a reason for suffering. At the end of the day, we all learn, that everyone is hurting and somehow, someway, there all hurting in the same way.


 


Part 7 homeless 


The sidewalk is where I sleep 


The food in the trash is what I eat 


No money, no gain


Hunger and pain 


It’s all the same, it’s all the same. 


—————————-Homeless————————— 


     I lost my job three months ago. No money for rent, no money for food. I’m not that talented nor am I that educated, I don’t know what to do?


They threw me out of my apartment, and they told me I need to pay them but what should I do, no one wants to hire me. I’m standing here with what I have left, asking people on the street for money today. If I survive today, I’ll think about tomorrow. Let’s see what the world has for me to follow. 


As I sleep on the concrete floor, my thoughts start to explode. 


My parents had just died, and I was all alone. No siblings, no friends, the extended family I had, they turned away. All I was left with, was a dark room and myself. That’s how it began.


     I spent all my nights drinking away, I slept throughout my days. I never attended work, I would get calls from my boss, but I would never answer. I had no one to talk to, the only friend I had was a bottle of gin. It was the only thing that kept me sane, that would get rid of the pain. I didn’t realize what my addiction had done, who knew depression would lead to addiction and who knew addiction would be the reason I’d have no place to call home. So now I sleep on the streets, with nothing but a bottle of whisky and a board that asks for money and this is my story.


 


Part 8, Imaginary friend 


Chitter chatter, is all I hear. 


Not one, not two, not three, but infinity. 


They all speak together, saying different things. 


Some in courageous, while some show hate. 


They tell me things, which one would dismay. 


They play tricks on me, they show me things, no one believes. 


They introduce me to people; those others can’t see. 


Is this a superpower or am I just crazy? 


I look at people and tell them what I found. 


They laugh, they scream. They turn around. 


I stand in confusion and wonder what to do. 


My thoughts, my mind, it’s not my own. 


Hallucinations are what define me. 


Can someone please show me reality? 


Can anyone help me?  


———————————- Imaginary Friend———————————-


 


     These voices in my head, never stop bickering. Some compliment me, while others just aggravate me. I lay in bed and it’s so hard to sleep. All I can think; all I can see or all I can hear are these voices. These loud, Deafening voices. 


They place pictures in front of my eyes. Images that outbalance my reality. My nightmare, my wishes all come in front of me.


I wish I could make it stop; I wish I could make it stop. 


     I don’t remember how I got into this position. I just remember isolating myself from people, days would go by and I wouldn’t use my phone, I wouldn’t reply to any messages and I’d be kept myself away from family. Emotions wouldn’t exist in my voice; they wouldn’t show feeling. Whenever anyone would see me, they’d say I was like a dead man walking. Months later, it got worse, my depression turned into hallucinations. I remember that day when I was sitting and watching television, all of a sudden, the voices on television started to change, I felt like it was talking to me and taunting me, about all the wrong I’ve done in this world. I panicked, I didn’t know what to do, until I reach out to my mother and I go to a therapist who diagnosed me with schizophrenia, who knew depression, would lead me to this.


 


——————————-The End——————————-


 


     My work has been a depiction of people I’ve met throughout my lifetime. All these people have inspired me and played a massive role in portraying mental illness in the rawest form I could think of. The debt and the pain of mental illness are more than what meets the eye. It’s not a physical disease, but it’s a disease that exists within our minds and we often tend to ignore it. it has been stated that 450 million people worldwide suffer from all sorts of mental illness, yet these are only the people who admit to it.


     Pride and ignorance can be our greatest threat; they will not allow us to accept or let us ask for help when we are in desperate need of it. 


Mental illness is everywhere around us; it impacts us and if left uncontrolled it can become something worse than it already is. Self-love is something many of us lack and we should enforce it on ourselves and others. We should spread awareness and invoke the idea of self-love, let people know that their actions cause a reaction that can either hurt someone or enforce good on any individual they meet. So, let’s join hands and accept the ones who are hurting and let them know that there not crazy, but there loved, and we will help them, one way or another. 


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