Sex, it forms such a huge part of humanity’s very being. It brings people together while tearing others apart. It can form the very crux of two people’s relationship, regardless of gender. It can also be a meaningless endeavour where one party is hurt. Does a one-night stand represent a part of female liberation, when referring to the restrictive gender binary. Or does it fuel male domination of the feminine?
It’s a complex and nuanced subject that has wrought society since our inception. We could say the crux of sex is procreation. But what about passion between two men or two women? What about the passion felt by two opposing genders who know neither party want to procreate? It’s a thorny question overwhelming our very existence, or maybe just my own.
For generations people have shared intimate encounters that might blossom into an excellent state of being. Alternatively, it’s the gratification of two people yearning for something extraordinary. Is there a better feeling than sharing interests and vibrancy from life than meeting somebody and consequentially sharing your very intimate parts? Considerably, there are the arts, music, friendship, community, and family that bring far greater pleasure, all the while, allowing yourself to add to the things you value with the power of sex and intimacy.
It is a powerful and overwhelming experience that forms part of our daily lives and should not be overlooked. Of course, for some people, who identify as asexual, they do not share this. But as mentioned they find greater pleasure in other aspects of their life. For this reason, it could be considered that sex is not the be-all and end-all of our existence but for sure it’s a pivotal moment in our life when that first intimate moment with somebody is exchanged.
Maybe your first time wasn’t the most encouraging and eye-opening experience.
It sure wasn’t for me. But since then, many frogs have been kissed, and opened avenues to both men and women alike reaching for a greater sense of joy and passion in life.
What does complicate things, however, is the power imbalance that exists between men and women. So often, we as women feel as though we are used for one thing and one thing alone, a sexual object that is valued less than a man’s dog or potentially a thought about what the next sports score may be.
Sure, that is cynical but honestly men that lack kindness and thought for other creates crippling confidence issues in both men and women that are involved.
That’s not to say men don’t experience the very same feelings. However, from conversating with other women it is not an uncommon experience to be labelled “sexy” in intimate moments and then forgotten about the following day. That text to ask how you are doing, how your day is going, you would like to go for a date never came.
Whatever, despite women sharing their vulnerabilities, they value themselves far too much to seek affirmation from men. They have each other for that. Most likely, they have other aspirations in life, and most importantly community that serves a far greater purpose than the gratification offered by men, or women for that matter.
Admittedly, however, some men do value women’s energy, fascinating ideas, and time. They want to send that message and they want to spend the day in the sunshine talking about music and politics. They are the men we should all appreciate and think about. Forget about the men that don’t take time to offer something more that feels more about their ego than the feelings of another.
What’s more, open conversations with my mum about my sexual affairs have been shared. It was weird at first, but then you remember they were young once and have also kissed a lot of frogs. My mum found her soulmate in my dad, meeting at university and following each other across the country and to my mum’s inherited country of France. They’ve been through illness, three children, love and hurt.
Yet, together, they always overcame their issue. They represent a higher mind-state than what intimacy brings. What they show is that friendship is at the core of any relationships, that finding your best friend is what many people want. Sexual desire wanes while company grows.
Although, this conversation was primarily about the genuine relationship between sex and alcohol. Just this morning a friend of mine called me saying, “Uh. Oh, I’ve just had sex with a guy”. It occurred after a drug and alcohol-fuelled evening overcame her, and she ended up in bed with someone.
Comforting her, as best mates would always do, I told her, “Never regret sex it’s not healthy; you know this boy and he is caring and kind; and of course, it might be a mistake; that being said, it would be silly to think about sex with others as one long list of mistakes”. Really, they are just exciting and fun encounters that should be cherished not regretted.
Mum imparts further knowledge about the many rape cases, withstanding stranger rape cases, that, having pursued a 30-year long career in law, she has read about that has involved alcohol or drugs. It’s frightening how many drunken sexual encounters between two people that know each-other have resulted in rape charges being brought to court. Men must protect and respect their sexual partners and themselves from enthralling themselves in a rape charge. Consent is vital and alcohol-fuelled sexual encounters directly correlate with countless incidences of rape and sexual assault.
It’s a complex topic to talk about and even more challenging to write about with sensitivity. It took a lot of time and thought to begin this very article considering the triggering effects of a piece of this nature. That being said, it is such a highly significant aspect of women’s lived experiences. Whether that is the violent attacks in streets and parks perpetrated by men against women or drugging in pubs and clubs also carried out by men to take advantage of women, it forms a significant daily dear of women’s lives.
This began as a reflection on sexual positivity. However, it would be an oversight not to address such a topic considering the simple fact that sex is not always positive, and more often than we like to think about, the prevalence of sexual violence does disturbingly harass both women’s and men’s lives.
I would appreciate any feelings or thoughts to be shared on the form below. Call me up on miscommunications. Alternatively, share bravely similar encounters with sex, friendships, and intimate relationships. Whatever they maybe they are essential and deserve space to be shared.
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