Growing up I always knew there was something different about her from the rest of her family. However, she didn't know that difference would cause such a change in her life. Coming out of your shell and exposing yourself is not something they prepare you for in school. It's something you have to come to terms with on your own when you’re ready. And growing up queer in the suburbs, surrounded by bitter people, is a challenge. It’s important to accept who you are.
As a child, she felt different feelings than a lot of children her age were feeling. All her friends were experiencing their first crushes, while she wasn't interested. Once middle school hit, she was never really into boys. She felt there was something wrong with her. Her friends would try to set her up with guys they thought she’d like, but she was never interested. Soon she developed feelings for a boy in her class. She thought to herself, “I knew it, there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m just a late bloomer that's all.”
But then her first childhood relationship came. He was her age and was very nice. He was a pretty boy and around this time she began to realize that girls were pretty too. He wanted to be with me but the thought made her uncomfortable because she wasn't sure if she would be lying about going out with him while fantasizing about girls too. Would that be considered cheating? Would it be considered lying not telling him? She didn't know and felt she was too broken to begin anything with him. So she crushed his heart and her own in the process.
Once high school hit it only grew more. High school was better than middle school. She already had her group of friends and was enjoying herself. She noticed girls were starting to look more like women around her which only made her more uncomfortable but she didn't realize why. One night she dreamt of a classmate and her on a date together, and it was a girl. She knew then that these were more than just thoughts, they were real feelings. Real feelings she wanted to be locked away.
But the feelings for girls only grew stronger. Out of fear of people finding out through stereotypes, she purposely dressed how typical straight girls dressed in school. She wore skirts almost every day and put her hair up in a ribbon. None of her friends knew and, to her surprise, she felt she was fooling them all and doing a great job at it. She couldn't tell how her friends would react if they found out, and that fear sat with her as she lay awake at night.
She had a friend who was very religious, but not in the best of ways. This friend would scold her other friends for committing sins, in her opinion. One day she went over to her friend's house and they were talking about their families. She said to her that her uncles were gay and that she loved them regardless. Her friend stuck up her nose and let out a huge gasp. The friend said “I’m not comfortable with that,” and she replied, “well, good thing they’re my family and not yours.” From that day she knew that that friend would never accept her for who she was and feared others might feel the same. True friends she knew would accept you for who you are and even though she wasn't ready to accept herself she knew friends like her would never accept her for who she was.
She decided to make some new friends and gifted herself the new title of “Ally.” she made friends with a bunch of queer kids at school who were all extremely accepting, but she still wasn't ready to come out. They would constantly ask her if she was gay and that if she was she should just come out already, what's the wait? But that only made her not want to come out of the closet even more, she felt she was being pushed into something she was still trying to understand and accept.
Years go by and she bottles up her identity and hides it away. She is now an adult and is trying to navigate through school and working while balancing her friends. A relationship was the last thing on her mind, that is until she met a guy. He was kind and sweet and gave her the attention she desired. But the more she hung out with him, the more she wondered if she was hiding a part of herself from him. Eventually, she bottled herself up too much that he lost interest. And then the pandemic hit.
The pandemic was a time for people to sit inside and realize what exactly they wanted in life, many relationships started and ended during the pandemic, and many people accepted their true identities. She began to realize that there was not much time in life and that hiding herself would only harm her in the end. So she accepted herself for who she was and decided to come out to her friends. Each friend was understanding and told her they loved her no matter who she was. But then it was time to tell her father.
She wrote a note to tell her dad and then watched him read it together. He said, “ I would never hate you for something like this, I love you, you are my daughter.” They hugged it out and he kept the note she wrote him. she felt she had been freed by hearing those words of all the anxieties. She was ready to show herself to the world as the proud pansexual girl that she was. She explored her horizons and met more queer people along the way. She truly began to accept herself for who she was. And that young bisexual girl was me.
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